Schools Will Now Teach 'Ass-Licking' : New Curriculum To Be Updated Soon!

 
FLATTERY:
Lesson 1 ~ 'IF YOU WANT TO GET TO THE TOP,  PREPARE TO KISS A LOT OF THE BOTTOM.'


















India: In a move that surprised the whole nation, the government has decided to include 'Ass- Licking' as a part of the new school syllabus, which will be updated soon. This move was taken after Manoj Singh, a software analyst from Mumbai, filed a PIL on this issue. 

Our correspondent Sunil, managed to stalk and catch up with Mr. Manoj Singh. Here's an excerpt from that exclusive interview.

Manoj: *Tries to shoo away Sunil, our correspondent disguised as a beggar*  Go away..I don't have any money. Aagey badho, chhutta nhi hai..

Sunil: Sir, this is Sunil Yadav, I'm a news reporter. Can I have a few minutes of your time? Just a few questions and I'm done. Please Sir, please.. *pleads*

Manoj: Whoa! Okay, but why are you dressed up as a beggar?

Sunil: *Laughs* Sir, the thing is, I've to do a lot of stalking in my profession, and there are many who've reported me to the police. They even have my sketches now, so as a precaution, I've to dress up this way!

Manoj: Uh.. Okay, go ahead. What do you want to ask?

Sunil: So, regarding the PIL you filed, to include 'Ass-Licking' as a major subject in schools. What made you do so? Any particular reason?

Manoj: "Well, the thing is that I've suffered a lot in my life, because I lack in this skill of licking up to the right people. Along with your education, degrees and money, 'ass-licking' is one of the most important aspects required to excel in life. With its help, you can achieve success, in whichever field you want. You just have to lick the right ass, at the right time! If you can't lick, you won't succeed! Lick it to win it! Simple as that!" *Grins*

Sunil: What are they going teach the kids in this subject?

Manoj: To begin with, the syllabus would consist of,
  1. Extreme Flattery.
  2. Baloney.
  3. Fake courtesies and etiquettes. 
  4. Hypocrisy.

Sunil: Would you please elaborate each of these terms.

Manoj: Very well, under 'Extreme Flattery' kids will be taught how to flatter and praise someone to the ultimate extent.
Like for instance, the stuff we do on facebook, commenting "Kya lag rahe ho bhai, ek number! Aapko toh actor hona chaiye!" on the profile photo of guy who in real life looks nothing more than a hybrid of a pig and a donkey!

Under 'Baloney', kids would be taught to talk foolish, nonsense and deceptive stuff, to amuse the required person. The first step of towards being a good brown-noser!

As far as 'Fake Courtesies and Etiquettes' are considered, they would be taught to hide a "Fuck You" behind a "Namaste", with a gentle smile on their faces. So that the person whom they're abusing won't even realize it!

And, I don't think I need to mention anything about 'Hypocrisy' 
They'll learn all it by themselves, as the whole world around them is full of hypocrites! This would be the final step. After that, all those kids would be completely transformed into sycophants!


Sunil: It was nice talking to you Mr. Manoj. I think I need to run now, The cops over there have recognized me! I hope we'll meet soon, Good bye!

Meanwhile, an official statement was issued by the government spokesperson Ajit Shah,
According to Shah,
"Many people in India, lack this important skill. Ass kissing is necessary almost everywhere! Right from getting good grades, to getting a promotion, to getting laid! The inclusion of this subject in schools will make sure that the future generation will never have to a face any problem regarding this issue of licking and sucking it up to the right people and this system whenever required. We’re also thinking of supplying video lectures conducted by Sanjay Bha, who has been a well-known expert in ass licking! We’re also planning to release an adverts which would spread the message “Chaatega India, tabhi toh badhega India!” and "A tongue is mightier than a sword!"

Surprisingly, Sanjay Bha remained unavailable to comment, as his tongue was stuck up deep in Pappu’s arse!

*Disclaimer: The above news article is completely fictional and does not bear any resemblance with reality. If so, it’s purely co-incidental!* 

Hello folks! I hope you haven’t dozed off to sleep! I tried my best to make this article as funny as possible, but please bear with it, if it isn’t funny at all. I wanted to write on this issue since 1807, but I was confused how to put it up! So, I came up with this unfunny boring satire.

Frankly speaking, this world is full of hypocrites, assholes and obsequious pricks. Nobody cares who you’re or how talented you are, unless you show them your worth! And to do so you’ll need to lick up to your superiors, this society and the system altogether. Unfortunately, it’s sad but true. And, if you want to succeed without wanting do such a shitty thing, there’s only one thing that can help you. And that’s Honesty. Because, talent and hard work combined with honesty can kick any fucking arse! :)

Now, before I speak any more bullshit philosophical crap and settle down to hibernate in Himalayas, I would like to end this by quoting the great John Lennon! 

“Nobody loves you, when you’re down and out.
Nobody sees you, when you’re on cloud nine.
Everybody’s hustling, for a buck and a dime.
I’ll scratch your back, and you scratch mine!”
{

I'd like to thank my dearest buddies, Siddhi Pawar and Rohith Jayarajan for proofreading and reviewing this article!
And, I'd like to thank you all readers, for wasting your precious time to read this one! You guys are the best! :)

As usual, your comments, abuses and criticisms are always welcome! And, please share this with your friends, if you enjoyed reading it! Please share! _/\_ *Begs, cries and pleads like the Dadar station wala bhikaari* 

P.S: That's one hell of a classic by John Lennon! Do listen to it, here's the link if you want! Till then, Adios! :)

Nobody Loves You (When You're Down And Out) -John Lennon!

(Pic Credits: Google Images)

}






Location: Mumbai, Maharashtra, India

Comments

  1. Strider9 March 2015 at 23:09

    Add back bitching to the quartet

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. EmilSincliar10 March 2015 at 20:29

      Oh yeah, I could use that one! I guess that will come under Hypocrisy! :)

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Depression And Suicide Connundrum

Image
(Pic credits: www.thequotes.in) Since everyone is riding on the Justin Beiber wave, selling their kidneys and souls, dying to get the tickets to that elusive concert, I thought why not take this opportunity and talk about depression and killing oneself. Because that's what most people are going to do after the concert. "He killed himself. He must be a coward." We've often heard this phrase being uttered by many. People who didn't even know the person, judging the heck out the them, after their death. Maybe. Perhaps he is a coward. Or perhaps he is a brave heart. It's all a matter of perspective. There's a general societal notion that one who kills himself is a coward. One who's timid and doesn't know how to fightback. But is it really so? Do folks who kill themselves consider themselves as cowards and losers? Is suicide really an act of faint-heartedness? There are no specific answers to this question. But I often ask myself, why is it t...
Read more

The Last Interview

Image
[The following article is a work of fiction made from the fragments of author's weird and demented imagination. It does not bear any resemblance to reality. If so, it's purely accidental. Thank you!] I was sitting in the waiting room. There were four individuals besides me, waiting for their turn. I glanced over to see their faces. It reeked of nervousness, I could tell that easily. Adjusting their neck ties and regularly wiping off their faces with the handkerchief. I very well remember being in that position. A few months back, I guess. I had lost count after 47. The lady behind the counter called my name. This is it. I stood up and went inside. A man greeted me with a smug smile on his face. A smile that could even put Mona Lisa in a fix. I went ahead and greeted him. "Good morning, Sir!" "Oh good morning Mr. Harry! Please take a seat!" I pulled the chair and sat on it. All that expensive cushioning and still it didn't feel comfortable. I mad...
Read more

The Irony Of War And Peace

Image
Peace. Such a wonderful word. Webster's dictionary defines peace as, "a state in which there is no war or fighting" Humanity has been striving for eternal peace since eons! And yes, the struggle is real indeed. A few days back, a harrowing video surfaced on the internet. It was about this 5 year old little Syrian kid, Omran Daqneesh, who was rescued from the rubble, after an airstrike at Aleppo. This horrific video sent shivers down my spine and every time I look at that boy's shocked and innocent face, I struggle to fight that lump in my throat. The pathetic state of humanity right now. But does it even matter to us? Nope. It doesn't. Because we don't live in Syria. A few more months and everyone will soon forget about Omran. Just like we forgot Alan Kurdi. Yes, the iconic kid in the picture, whose corpse was swept ashore. I won't go about preaching how this is all fucking insane and how we should do something about it. Ranting won't chan...
Read more